HELENA & ANDREAS

Q&A

Vad innebär begreppet "mörk kostym"?

Klädkoden för bröllopet är Mörk kostym. Här kommer lite ledtrådar till vad detta innebär, iallafall om man lyssnar till Magdalena Ribbing. Klädkoden är mest till för att alla ska kunna känna sig bekväma och varken känna sig alltför uppklädda eller inte tillräckligt uppklädda.

Magdalena Ribbing: Mörk kostym är en relativt modern klädkod som förr hette Kavaj, men den koden används numera för klädsel steget under Smoking. Står det Mörk kostym på bjudningskortet betyder det en påtagligt fin klädsel, men varken smoking eller frack, utan just en mörk kostym för män, och för kvinnor en kvällsfin klänning/kjol med täckta axlar men i festmaterial som siden eller liknande icke-vardagstyg. Festbyxor och överdel passar utmärkt för kvinnor till "Klädsel: Mörk kostym" – och är festen ett bröllop går det mycket bra att använda sin Vingåkersdräkt eller annan hembygdsdräkt.

För män innebär detta:

Mörkblå eller mörkt grå hel kostym med vit skjorta och sidenslips eller fluga. Det är även ok med svart kostym. Slipsen/flugan bör ha lite ljusare färger. Ej svart eller vit då de enbart används till begravning.

För kvinnor innebär det:

En elegantare knälång, eller ankellång, dräkt eller klänning i utpräglat festfint material. En elegant byxdress, eller kvällskjol med jacka eller överdel i samma finhetsgrad går lika bra. Kvinnans klädsel bör ej vara axelbar (åtminstone inte i kyrkan) och kjollängden bör inte vara golvlång. Alla färger (även rött) förutom helvitt och helsvart fungerar utmärkt. Svart och vitt fungerar självklart som färger ifall de kombineras med något mer färgglatt.

What is a Swedish wedding? What are the traditions and etiquette and are there any rules and regulations?

The Swedish society is very bound by informal rules and traditions, and weddings are of course no exception.

The purpose of this page is informative: to let you know what's going on at church, at the reception, etc. and in particular so that you won't be confused when the Swedes act goofy... Keep in mind that all rules are there to make the party as enjoyable and social as possible - not to be a burden. (It is also said that the worst breach of etiquette consists of pointing out someone else’s breach of etiquette...)

At the wedding dinner a seating chart is pre-arranged. A lot of effort goes into planning the tables at the dinner, to get a fun mix of people. Seating is on long, communal-style tables, with assigned seating, giving everyone plenty of opportunities to talk to many new people, and always have a view of the bride and groom.

What happens in church?

We are planning a traditional wedding according to the Church of Sweden ceremony. This is a Lutheran Christian church so some things you’ve seen in American movie weddings or other spousal ceremonies may not take place.

According to old custom the bride's family and friends sit on the left side of the church (to the left of the aisle) and the groom’s family and friends on the right, seen from the church entrance.

The first benches on both sides are always reserved for the immediate family.

If you are bringing small children, feel free to find a seat where you could make a quick exit if you feel they are unruly enough to disturb the ceremony.

The bride and groom walks to the altar side by side - allegedly signaling that the bride is there of her own free will - and not walked to the altar by her father.

The service will be held mainly in Swedish, but the printed program will provide a rough translation. We are planning for some music in church, customary is for a few psalms to be sung by the whole assembly. Join in if you can!

What happens after church?

After the church ceremony, everyone in attendance goes outside the church, some kind of confetti has been distributed to the guests.

Suddenly the newlyweds arrive out of nowhere and are showered with compliments, congratulations, and said confetti.

A beeline forms as people try to get a word in with the newlyweds, and after a sufficient amount of time, the newlyweds board their means of transportation and set out on their journey together.

At that point, the invited dinner guests move to the party location.

What does the dress code Dark Lounge Suit mean?

The dress code for the wedding party is semi-formal; in Swedish it is “Mörk Kostym”, meaning a dark-colored suit with a tie or bowtie for guys and usually a dress for the ladies. A lady’s dress should fall to near the knees and not below ankle length (touching the floor).

Some clues to what the dress code mean are provided by Magdalena Ribbing, Swedish etiquette guru: “The dress code for everyone to feel comfortable and not feel too over-dressed or not dressed up enough. It means a substantially nice attire, but neither tuxedo or tailcoat, but just a dark suit for men and for women a nice evening dress or skirt with covered shoulders in fine materials such as silk or similar not every-day attire. Pant suit is also ok for women to wear.

For men this means: Dark blue or dark gray full suit with white shirt and a tie or bow tie. It is also ok with a black suit. The tie / bow tie should have some brighter colors. Not black or white as they are used only for burial.

For women, it means: An elegant knee-length or ankle length, attire or dress in decidedly festive fine material. An elegant trouser suit or evening skirt with a jacket or top part is just as good. Women's dress should not have bare shoulders (at least not in the church) and the skirt’s length should not be floor, or longer, length. All colors (even red) except pure white and all-black works well. Black and white works of course if they are combined with something more colorful.”

People will dress up before church and then go straight to the party.

Remember that summer nights can be chilly in Sweden, so bring a light jacket, a wrap, or something weather appropriate. Also remember to pack rain paraphernalia in case it rains on the wedding day these are a good back-up. In case of (heavy) rain guests are encouraged to take their car to the wedding ceremony and afterwards to drive the short distance from the church to the party venue’s parking lot (which is very close to the Pensionat, where most guests are staying). We will post a simple map overview of how to drive the kilometer and where to park, once we are closer to the big day and have scanned the weather forecasts. If the weather is unsteady, have a look at our webpage the day before the wedding for more information! If the weather is nice, there will be a joint walk from the church to the party venue. The walk is only about 1 km on flat surface but to save your feet for dancing we suggest to bring an extra pair of comfortable shoes for the walk.

Arriving to the party

The “Brudskål”, bride’s toast, is traditionally served outside the dinner locale as the newlyweds arrive. After a salutation, and a short cocktail hour-style mingle, the seating charts are presented and the doors are opened into the dining hall. Time to get seated!

Seating is done in “table-couples”. As a man, your assigned table-lady will be seated to your right. As a woman, your “table man” is seated to your left. It is customary to converse throughout dinner with this person, and the first formal dance -should you chose to dance - is according to tradition supposed to be with your table-partner. After that, you are free to ignore them for the rest of the evening.

If you have not been able to quickly discern who you will be seated with, we suggest just going by yourself to the assigned seats and hopefully you will find the person there. Make sure to introduce yourself to your “bords-dam/table lady” or “bords-kavaljer/table man” and to the others seated close by.

What happens at the dinner?

When everyone is seated, and beverages have been served, everyone starts on their appetizer. There will be frequent interruptions from the toast-masters presenting speakers, songs or other entertainment throughout the dinner. It is considered correct to remain seated, stop eating and put down your utensils when someone is giving a speech. Hopefully the speeches will be so captivating that this comes naturally.

After the appetizers, the main course will be served. Later there will also be a dessert, the wedding cake.

Swedes love singing together, so there may be songs sung sing-along style. The pamphlet at your seat may if so hold the lyrics to the songs. This pamphlet also holds other information, a seating chart and a short conversation-starter note about the other guests. If you can’t read the song lyrics, just hum along with a smile. If you don’t know the melody, compensate by singing louder. Eventually, you’ll get the hang of it! Most songs and speeches end with a “Skål!” (Cheers!).

You can expect the entire dinner to be about three to four hours, but not to worry, you will to get out of the chair a few times, in the brakes announced by the toastmasters (this to avoid guests having to leave or return in the middle of speeches).

“Skål!” How to drink - or how not to drink.

Swedes take drinking very seriously, and this harks back to the time of Vikings, where you had to make sure your opponent (or friend, the distinction was not very clear back then) wouldn’t take opportunity of this moment to plant his axe in your tender corpus. The process invented remains to this day: “The proposer of the toast raises his glass, engages the eye of the person being toasted, and "Skål!" is said. The “Skål!” is echoed by the toasted. A slight bow of the head, and a sip of the wine is taken (whereas aquavit shots are drained in one gulp). Before the glass is put back on the table, the eyes meet again and there is another friendly nod.”

A man toasting a woman will not put his glass down before she does, nor call attention to the fact that he is waiting for her.

At a large dinner such as this, usually you would try to meet the eyes of all the people seated immediately in your vicinity. After sweeping the room with your eyes, drink as per above, then try to meet eyes with everyone again. There is no hacking people with axes for failure to meet eyes and the whole procedure works surprisingly well - by the third Skål nobody will need to think about it. The clinking of wineglasses is not customary in Sweden, but if you have learned to do that in in your home country and love it, keep on clinking!

We will serve both non-alcoholic beverages and beer/wine at the dinner. Ask your server according to preference. Pace yourself for a long dinner.

The toast-masters

As mentioned, Swedish wedding dinners are meticulously planned, with seating charts and lists of speeches, songs and entertainment drawn up in advance.

However, there is still room for spontaneity, so if you suddenly feel the urge to say something to the entire party, walk over to them and tell them your plans and they will fit you in to the program.

Tradition holds that when the toast-masters calls for your attention, you are allowed three words to finish your current conversation before you fully focus your attention to them.

Our toastmasters will be the bride’s friend, Erika and the groom’s friend Niklas. Please contact them to set up a slot for your speech, song or skit. They will be happy to answer any questions you might have as well.

What’s with all the speeches? And songs? May I ...? Do I have to?

We would love to hear from each and every one of our guests. But, we know that time is limited, and that not everyone is comfortable with public speaking or singing. If you feel like speaking, by all means, do. But if you’d rather not, you don’t have to. We expect you to be enjoying the night, not sit shivering, fearing an upcoming speaking slot...

It is a good idea to limit your speech or song to a few minutes, as there are many items on the list. If you are planning anything over 5 minutes

please consult with the toast-masters at an early stage as they may have to put a limit to the available time.

If you want to do a musical number, check with the toast-masters for mobile plug-in/cd-player/mp3 or microphone availability in good time before the wedding week. We will not be able to provide any musicians, but there is a piano in the dining hall.

What happens after the dinner?

Dinner can easily be 3-4 hours, so plan to hang around for a while. After dinner, there is still a free bar and dancing to look forward to.

There will be dancing (ballroom dance followed by more modern moves) in the dining hall when the tables are cleared after dinner. Customary is to watch the bride and groom dance their first dance, and then invite your table-lady to the first dance following. After that, dancing is a free-for-all.

There will be a free bar for refreshments through the night, this will be manned and drinks are ordered and poured by the staff. There is also some “Vickning” (late night munchies/hot food) as the night grows back into day.

Are you guys serious!?

As we mentioned at the top, all rules and procedures are just to make the party run smoothly and make sure everyone enjoys themselves. Don’t worry about who sits next to whom or why or which hand to hold your wineglass in - just go with the flow and be happy that you get to experience this cultural exposé into Swedish customs! If you need to run out for a smoke or bathroom break, we trust you to make those decisions for yourself.

We do ask that you let the toast-masters schedule and introduce any speech or song you would like to perform, as they are in charge of the schedule and they may have planned something at the very time you feel inclined, or are holding off to let people enjoy hot food, etc.

What about ...... ?

We probably haven’t covered everything here, so if you have any questions about Swedish customs in general or our wedding in particular, please just ask! Send us an email, call, or grab ahold of us next time you see us.

You can also call/email the toast-masters for questions about speaking or performing.

Erika Lundholm Fröjd via erikalundholm@gmail.com or +46702550110

Niklas Gustafsson via niklasmail@gmail.com or +46730513128

What happens the days before, and after, July 11th?

We are planning to have a pre-wedding drink with guests that have travelled in on Friday. This is at the Pensionat between 18-19 at self-cost. After this guests are free to make their own dinner/evening arrangements.

We do not have any plans made for Sunday morning after the wedding day.